The Beacon

What do you do
When you look around
And see the world crumbling
Nearby
Far
Everywhere
Every home
Knowing
That it's probably a matter of time
Before that impact draws closer
And closer
Right up to where you're standing
And perhaps even more

You’ve been given a task
To carry a beacon of hope
One you're desperately trying to hold on to
But it flickers quite often
There are days
When it takes all your strength
To just light it up once
But you know you have to light it
Because too many around you are flickering
Too many have given out
After all
Hope is in limited supply these days

You do anything you can
Whatever people suggest
Eat this, drink that
Take deep breaths
Try to work out
Start a gratitude journal
Post happy pictures of colourful flowers
Whatever you can
To keep your circle untouched
To keep that beacon burning

But every effort
Feels like a trick
An attempt to evade
What definitely seems to be coming
And deep down
That gratitude is mixing with guilt
The hope is mixing with grief
And the effort to smile
Is weighing you down
Starting to feel like too much

So maybe for a bit
Just a short bit
Let me put that beacon down
And allow the darkness to engulf
To feel all the emotions
That I've been holding back
That I’ve not been allowing myself to feel
Just lay here
And let the tears flow
Without any attempt to stop them

And in some time
Whenever that is
When the waves of emotions subside
To take those deep breaths
Pull myself back up
Pick up the beacon
And continue to keep it lit
With every bit of me that I can

Because the thing is
The world around is crumbling
But as of this moment
(And who knows how long that moment will last)
I'm not

And I have to keep reminding myself of that

In the Land of Men

It was a girls' trip
A much awaited one
To shed the weight of daily life
And enter the paradise
Where the sea meets the sand
And when we finally got there
Excited
Relaxed
Feeling the holiday calm take over
We scanned the beach
Looking for a spot
Away from the crowd
Unfettered by humans
(Only inhabited by dogs)
After a quick search
We found the perfect spot
Refreshed ourselves with drinks
And made our way into the water
Empty
But for a family nearby
And as that water touched our toes
It washed away all the stress
The waves fighting the heat on our backs
As we splashed
And jumped
And swam
And soaked in that feeling
Of the perfect holiday
But what felt like hours
Was only a few minutes
Because that’s all it took
For the inhabitants to grow
For people passing by
To stop and stare
And what had minutes ago
Been our empty paradise
Suddenly became
A congregation of bodies
Or, to be more specific
A congregation of men
Staring
Leering
Inching closer
And I’m ashamed to say
That part of me even wondered
If we were the problem
If the wet T-shirt
Sticking to my body
Was the problem
Or if the shorts
Chosen instead of a swimsuit
Were the problem
If we should have dressed differently
If we should have picked a different spot
If we should have skipped the drinks
If we should have travelled with male friends
If we shouldn’t have jumped around as much
Because as their gazes
Travelled over every inch of our wet clothes
That familiar fear
And feeling of disgust
That we had become so accustomed to
That we had wanted to escape from
Came back in full force
And just like that
Our bubble was burst
Reality came crashing down
At the end of it all
This wasn’t paradise
This wasn’t our getaway
This was the nightmare
That we lived every single day
A reminder
That no matter where we went
We would always be
In the land of men.

*********

[This was a post that I had begun to write a few years ago, after a Goa trip with a friend. After this incident, her words to me were, "Ruch, I hope you're going to write about this!" It took a while, but finally managed to go back and complete it].

The Moment

There’s a moment
That I encounter again and again
Often when I step out of the house
As the signal turns red
And I slow down the car to a halt
I see a person approaching
Sometimes old
Sometimes young
Male
Female
Androgynous
Able
Disabled
Making their way
Down the line of cars
Taking a path
That I know will lead them to me
And I sit there
Silently
Hoping for the light to turn green
To avoid the moment that I know is coming
When they finally reach my car
And ask for some money
Trying to get my attention
As I shake my head
While resolutely trying to stare ahead
Not fully sure myself
Of the reason to say no
Because the reason I tell myself
Of my wallet being in the backseat
Of the signal about to turn green
Of the lack of change I’m carrying
Are all flimsy excuses
Covering for the voices
That told me often
Not to give money to beggars
Unless they really need it
But the thing is
That they never really told me
How to figure out
Who really needs it
Do I merely judge them by age
Or the existence of a visible disability
What do I do
When I look into their eyes
And see that deep pain
Deeper than I can fathom
A pain
Beyond age
Beyond gender
Beyond ability
A pain reflecting exhaustion
Hunger
Anger
Misery
And how do I ignore
That twist in my stomach
As it clenches tightly
Screaming at me
To take out the money
That won’t make a difference to me
And to give it out
To the one that really needs it
Regardless of what they do with it
A voice deep inside
Telling me
To be better
To do better
To be the person
I claim I want to be
And yet
I sit there
Hoping
Praying
For them to move on
To the next car
Away from me
So I can sigh in relief
And dwell in that miserable success
Of knowing
That today
Once again
I could have been a better person
And yet
I chose not to.

Your Love

You say you love flowers
Yet you pluck them without a thought

You say you love animals
Yet you serve them proudly for dinner

You say you love trees
Yet you cut them for your own greed

You say you love rivers
Yet you fill them with your filth

You say you love all humans
Yet you unabashedly watch them suffer

You say you love me
Yet you wonder why I look at you in fear.

Art on the Sand

I walked along the beach
Slowly
Leisurely
The waves washing softly over my feet
And up ahead
I saw a man
Drawing on the sand
A gorgeous piece of art
Almost complete
How long he had been at it
I had no idea
But as I came nearer
I saw
From the corner of my eye
A wave
Bigger than the others
A lone rebel
Racing forward towards him
Trying to go
Where none of the other waves would
And I wanted to shout
Call out to the man
Warn him of the incoming stream
The impending fate
That would destroy his art
But the words remained unspoken
Maybe there wasn't enough time to react
Because even if I had
What would it have done
He could no more move his art
Than he could stop the incoming wave
And so
In that split second
I watched
As the wave hit its target
Washing over the creases in the sand
Taking away pieces
That it claimed for itself
And all that remained
Was incomplete parts
Of a missing whole
The art destroyed
The labour made futile
I looked at the man
Grimacing
Wanting to share his pain
But instead
He looked at me
Smiled
And shrugged
And went back to his work
Recreating what was gone
Perhaps not for the first time
Accepting
What I couldn't
That this was life
His job
Was to persevere
Regardless of the outcome
Regardless of how long it lasted
That the fear of the future
Couldn't overshadow
The joy of the present
That all he had
Was his passion
And this moment
Everything else
The future
The outcome
Were like the waves
Weaving their own path
Unstoppable
Like a destiny
Beyond his control.

The Face Behind the Picture

You see me
Smiling
Posing
Happy
A face full of life
Captured in a frame
And to an extent
That's all true
But don't mistake that picture
For who I really am
Because that smiling face
Those twinkling eyes
Are just the surface
Underneath them
Deep below
The core is different
Tumultuous
Shivering
Trying to keep up
With a world it cannot grasp
With rules it cannot understand
Attempting to smile
To seem sure of myself
While feeling like an imposter
Because that confident smile
Is just an act
A show for the world
To hide the wounds
To mask the fears
And those twinkling eyes
Are a trick of the light
Hiding
The wonder
The sadness
The questions
The loneliness
That stay with me
No matter where I go
No matter who I'm with
But I learnt
Long ago
That the world prefers the act
It doesn't like truth
Unless it comes with
Smiles and twinkling eyes
It can't deal with the fire
That burns through me
Raging
Unapologetic
Beyond caring
It doesn't care what I think
Or what I feel
But rather
More importantly
Only how I look
And so here I stand
Smiling
Posing
Happy
A face full of life
Captured forever in a frame

Here's to the rebels

Here's to the rebels
The ones that never really fit
The ones who were "not normal"
Your beings chipped away, bit by bit

The ones who were constantly criticized
For daring to be different
For trying to be who you were
Regardless of the latest trend

The ones who always felt alone
Even when surrounded by a crowd
The ones who felt unheard
Even as you were screaming out loud

It's not an easy path you've chosen
It's going to be a long, lonely road
All you can really do though
Is follow your heart, mind and soul

If you're lucky, maybe you'll meet
A few other rebels along the way
The ones who look at you and smile
And find you perfectly okay

A bunch of strange, quirky misfits
Not so different from who you are
Do lean on them and recharge
Because the destination ahead is far

Some of them might walk alongside
And share the burden for a while
But ultimately this journey is just yours
Walking alone, wearing a frown or a smile

I know the road isn't easy
And often, you want to turn around
To give in to all the pressure
And surrender without a sound

But before you drop from exhaustion
And give up on all that you wish
Know that your struggle is important
And here me as I say this

With every painful step of yours
You pave a new path today
So that someday, another rebel
Might find before them an easier way.

Shades of Life: Grey Clouds

I love my colours
Soft, bright, black, white
Each one carrying its own touch
But there's something about grey
That draws me in
Like the sight of the dark clouds
Rolling in before the rain
Sometimes I like to stand there
Eyes closed
Arms wide open
Feeling the soothing wind
Soaking in the terrifying storms
Breathing in all the grey
Sometimes lighter, calmer
Sometimes darker, angrier
Ever changing
A shade for every mood
And in that moment
Staring at the rumbling clouds
I feel a connection
Like we understand one another
The layers
The shades
The complexities
Of every single moment that has made us
A mix of emotions
A mix of traits
Carrying wonder, joy
Carrying pain, suffering
All of it
Stuffed in one package
Trying to make sense of the world
While still not able to make sense of ourselves
And to know us
You have to peel the layers
See the fear with the hope
Feel the terror with the joy
Knowing
That you may never really be able to pin us down
Because we never stay still
We’re ever changing
Our grey from yesterday
Might be different from the grey of tomorrow
And maybe that's scary
Maybe that's confusing
But maybe that's who we are.

Shades of Life: Black Night

I don’t do it often
Though I wish I did:
Stare up at the night sky
At the dark blanket
Enveloping us all
There’s a familiarity in it
It's always there
No matter what
And unlike everything else
The shades are few
Just a constant black
Staring back at you
Unchanging
Uncaring
Or so it seems
Because as you stare at the darkness
As the noise dies out
And silence is all you have
Something lets go
You whisper secrets to it
Secrets buried deep inside
And as the emotions come out
As the tears roll out
It takes them all in
Protecting you with its darkness
Wrapping its arms around you
Helping those tears float away
To join the many others
Already buried within it
The murmured secrets
The whispered tales
Of forgotten moments
Of souls you never met
From around the universe
All guarded by the night
Reminding you
Of an endless abyss
Of the vastness of it all
And that you
Are just a small part of it
But as you look at that black night
Your tears now dried up
It tells you silently
That it doesn’t matter
How big the world is
How complex life is
How many souls it embraces
Because the ultimate secret
The only one you need to remember
The only one you need to hear
Is that in this moment
You, matter.

Shades of Life: Brown Land

Some look at it

And move on their gaze

What is it, after all

Drab

Dull

Dry

Having neither the vibrancy of green trees

Nor the majesticity of blue water

It’s just brown land

An overlooked shade

Muddy

Boring

Stale

But I’ve come to learn

That there’s power

In the underdog

In the one nobody roots for

And as I continue to gaze

At vast expanses of sand

At towering, bare mountains

At bare, brown land

Spreading

As far as the eyes can see

I feel humbled

At the power it radiates

It has stood the test of time

Like nothing else in this world

Aging

Ever so slowly

Ever so consistently

No matter the changes around

Needing nothing

Enduring everything

Like that wise old man

Shunned by the younger crowd

Yet still standing proud

Not caring what others think

Not competing for a crown

Whispering

Secrets of old

Secrets of life

Telling you

That a moment of surrender

Is all you need

To appreciate beauty

Where none is seen.

Shades of Life: Orange Sun

It’s like magic
The colours painted across the sky
As the sun rises
As the sun sets
That gleam of orange
Piercing through the backdrop
Hitting your core
Forcing you
To stop everything
To take a break
From your hectic daily life
And pause
Just pause
Breathe
Soak this moment in
Before it disappears
And open your eyes
To the wonder
To the magic
That is life
Inspiring you
With its raw beauty
As colours begin to merge
As though putting on a show
For you
Just you
You can feel the rays hitting you
Feel them in every particle in your being
Energizing you
Healing you
Reminding you
That life is beautiful
If only you paused to look.

Shades of Life: Green Nature

There's a shade of green I love
Bright
Fresh
Vibrant
Teeming with life
Like the one after the rains
Like life itself
Nature waking up
Yawning
Stretching
Ready
For the bustling day ahead
Filled with energy
And contagious smiles
Like that first sip of coffee
Like waking up with a kiss
It’s that green of life
Telling you
That you're here
You're alive
To do what you want
To seize the moment
To feel the zest
To live it in
Breathe it in
Do the thing you love
Take that risk
Bask in the freshness
Because in this moment
With that vibrancy coursing through you
Nothing can stop you.

Shades of Life: Blue Sea

Calm
That’s what I feel
Every time I look at the sea
The blue water
Glistening under the sun
Still
Radiant
Majestic
Yet I know
That that’s not the full story
Because that light blue that I love
Is only a part of it
There are shades
Layers
Darker
Deeper
Hiding secrets
Hiding life
Carrying memories
Carrying anger
Which, when unleashed
Can devour us all
Maybe that’s why I like to sit by the edge
Watching from a distance
Mesmerized
Fearful
Respectful
Trying to fathom
The vastness before me
Sometimes I wonder
How can it be both?
Calming, soothing, constant
Raging, angry, tumultuous
But then I realize
Isn’t that what we are?
We can’t put it in a box
Any more than we can put ourselves
Because to know the sea
To love the sea
You have to embrace every soothing, raging bit of it.

कुछ दबे हुए अल्फ़ाज़

कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ हैं दबे हुए

बेचैन, जोश से भरे

निकलना चाहते हैं

उभरना चाहते हैं

अपने पंख खोल, उड़ना चाहते हैं

वक़्त की कोई समझ नहीं इन्हे

कभी भी फुदकना शुरू कर देते हैं

कभी चलते

कभी सोते

बिन बुलाये, दिन भर खटकते रहते हैं

पर जितना जोश अंदर दिखाते हैं

उतनी ही कायरता बाहर

क्यूंकि होठ खोलते ही

कलम उठाते ही

न जाने कहाँ खो जाते हैं

शायद डरते हैं ये

अपने होने के अंजाम से

उन्हें शाबाशी मिलेगी 

या फिर नफरत 

इस सोच में थम जाते हैं

मन ही मन मुझसे कहते हैं

एक दिन अपना चेहरा दिखाएंगे

जो खामोश हैं जज़्बात

उन्हें साथ लाएंगे 

इन बेड़ियों को पीछे छोड़ आएंगे 

मगर उस दिन के इंतज़ार में

न जाने कितने पल गुज़र जाएंगे

ऐसा न हो

की उस पल के आते

ये अल्फ़ाज़ ही ख़तम हो जायेंगे

************

Kuch Dabe Hue Alfaaz

Kuch alfaaz hain dabe hue

Bechain, josh se bhare

Nikalna chahte hain

Ubharna chahte hain

Apne pankh khol udna chahte hain

Waqt ki koi samajh nahi inhe

Kabhi bhi fudakna shuru kar dete hain

Kabhi chalte

Kabhi sote

Bin bulaye, din bhar khatakte rehte hain

Par jitna josh andar dikhaate hain

Utni hi kaayarta baahar

Kyonki hoth kholte hi

Kalam uthaate hi

Na jaane kahaan kho jaate hain

Shaayad darte hain ye

Apne hone ke anjaam se

Unhe shabaashi milegi

Ya phir nafrat

Is soch mein tham jaate hain

Mann hi mann mujhse kehte hain

Ek din apna chehra dikhayenge

Jo khaamosh hain jazbaat

Unhe saath laayenge

In bediyon ko peeche chhod aayenge

Magar uss ek din ke intezaar mein

Na jaane kitne pal guzar jayenge

Aisa na ho

Ki uss pal ke aate

Ye alfaaz hi khatam ho jayenge

Contemplation

I stared at the bowl
At the many tiny creatures crawling over it
Realizing, a little late
My own idiocy
Of having left it over night with dessert crumbs

And I stared
Wondering what to do
Knowing fully well what I would do
Yet wondering, nonetheless

Coming to a decision
I picked up the bowl
From the edge that was free
And quickly moved it into the sink
And before I could change my mind
Turned on the tap

And I stared
As dozens of ants scattered
Most, unable to flee
Dragged under by the pull of the water
While the others scrambled
As fast as they could
Wherever they could
Doing whatever they could to survive
Knowing, that they wouldn't

And I stood there
Feeling that tiny twinge I didn't want to feel
Telling myself it had to be done
If not now, then later
If not this way, then another
If not by me, then by someone else

I reminded myself
That this wasn't the first time
Every step I've taken till date
Has probably led to many deaths
That they are inevitable
That this is the way of life

And yet I knew
That this one was different
This one was was intentional
This one was chosen
And that made a big difference

And as I stood there
Contemplating life and death
I heard a familiar buzz
A buzz that grew stronger
Breaking my contemplation

Annoyed, I turned towards the interruption
And without a pause
Reached out and clapped it in my hands
Feeling a sense of satisfaction as the silence returned
Leaving me in peace to turn back to the sink

And continue my contemplation.

That Thing Called Nationalism

People often ask why we study history. Of the many reasons, one is that it has a way of creeping back into our present lives in the strangest of ways.

Then...

They called us terrorists; we called ourselves freedom fighters

They called it a mutiny; we called it a war for independence

They jailed us for sedition; we proudly called it our right

They shut down our press; we called out their fear of the truth

They massacred us in our gatherings; we learnt to make bombs

They killed our citizens; we killed their soldiers and officials

They hanged our leaders; we praised them as martyrs

They said we were part of them; we said we wanted nothing to do with them

They said we were divided on what we wanted; we agreed, but knew that we didn't want things as they were

They said we couldn't survive on our own; we asked for the right to try

They asked for obedience; we asked for freedom;

They called us terrorists; we called them oppressors.

Now...

We call you terrorists; you call yourselves freedom fighters

We call it an act of terrorism; you call it a war for independence

We jail you for sedition; you proudly call it your right

We shut down your press; you call out our fear of the truth

We kill you in your homes; you learn to use guns

We kill your people; you kill our soldiers

We shoot your leaders; you praise them as martyrs

We say you are a part of us; you say you want nothing to do with us

We say you are divided on what you want; you agree, but know that you don't want things as they are

We say you couldn't survive without us; you ask for the right to try

We ask for obedience; you ask for freedom

We call you terrorists; you call us oppressors.

100 years have passed

They have changed

You have changed

We remain the same

Except

I'm not quite sure who we are anymore.

The Train Tracks

This is going to be one of those posts
The ones that never seem to end
That may not have a clear point to make
That does not follow a rhyme or meter
That's a prose pretending to be a poem
Or perhaps a poem pretending to be a prose
I'm a little confused on that
But that's okay
Because it lays out the theme rather well
Of this unending post
Which technically hasn't even started yet
But strangely
Started a few weeks ago
Or perhaps it's been several years
I'm not quite sure
Like I said
There's a little bit of confusion

A month ago
I went running with a cousin
Well, he was running
I was jogging in between my breaks
In any case
We went down the road
And reached the train tracks
And instead of turning back
He turned left
To run along the tracks
On the gravel
That pile of stones that you see from the train
And it was a gorgeous path
Difficult to run on
But with a thrill of its own
Occasionally crossing the tracks
Or even a bridge
Keeping an ear open
For the rumbling of a distant train that never came
And some time later
As we sat under a tree
Catching our breaths
Enjoying the wind
Taking in the shade
I said casually
"I've never done that before"
"Gone running along the tracks?" he asked
Nodding slowly, I added softly
"Or even walked along them"
And he looked up
Surprised
Shocked
At the absurdity of the statement
And I couldn't blame him
It sounded absurd even to me
And this was my life we were talking about
I had never walked along train tracks
Why?
I just hadn't
It had never occurred to me
I mean, sure
Sitting on the train, staring outside,
I had always wondered
And yet
Never when I was on solid ground
You see
It was out of the path
In fact, it had no path
So I'd never wandered
Or strayed
Yet all the time
I couldn't help but wonder
Why Frost had never mentioned
That the road less traveled
Was reserved for the guys
That they could bike around the country
Alone
And I couldn't walk five minutes to a friend's house
Without worrying my parents
That they could hop on to a truck
And go wherever it took them
And I couldn't walk the street at night
Without stressing over every passing gaze
That they could run freely along train tracks
While I had never strayed from the well-built road
And sure
This isn't any absolute
I know girls who travel alone
Who wander alone
Who walk without fear
Well, in fairness
I know one
The others I've just heard of
Because while it's not an absolute
There's no denying they're few
And that's messed up in its own way
That we've managed to raise a population
Of which half is doused in fear
But blaming this screwed up society
Is hardly a novel response
Or even a useful one
When the problem is more within me
And today, as I was listening to a friend
Talking about taking a month long trip to Shantiniketan
I couldn't help but think
I want to do that
I want to be able to do that
To travel alone
To be with myself outside the walls of home
To hop on to any bus
Destination unknown
People unknown
And just wander
To go on a road trip
With or without a guy
With or without company
Not because I mind the company
I love it, I really do
But it needn't be a pre-req
To hitch a ride on a passing bike
Or in a truck heading out of state
Even better, on top of that truck
No plan in mind
Where the music and my thoughts are enough
To go where it takes me
And walk on the unbuilt roads
And meet the gazes of strangers
Talk to people I don't know
Travel the road less taken
Quite literally
And yet
Caution calls out
Warning me
Telling me the things it has always told me
Don't go out alone
Especially not in the night
And stay on the main path
It's not safe out there
Especially for women
And this makes sense too
After all
Safety isn't a joke
We all read the papers
Watch the movies
Hear about the rape
Hell, most of us have been molested
Just walking down the street
So it really doesn't seem all that crazy
This idea
Of wanting to be safe
And I get it
I really do
I wish I didn't
But I do
I want to be safe
I don't want to be hurt
Or be a cause of hurt for others
But I also want to live
And people say
At least some people do
Life is outside the comfort zone
Outside that safety net
And so
There's a constant debate in my head
One side telling me to just go
That it's all in my head
That it's easier than I've been told
And I won't know until I try
And this other side
The one that obediently sent regular updates
As to my whereabouts
Says it's not worth it
That it's the idea I love
That this isn't who I am
I'm not Cheryl Strayed
I don't wander off the path
I love being around familiar faces
I love my comfort zone
Far too much
And while that's true
The comfort zone is addictive
The call of the wild grows louder
Maybe I'll hate it
Maybe I'll love it
But I won't know until I try
So go, why don't you
Stop complaining
And just go
As the wise Nike said
Just do it
Make a choice
And live with it
Either way
Stop complaining
Life isn't meant to be lived with regrets
But how does one know
Which choice will lead to regrets
How can you know before hand
Whether to jump off that plane or not
Whether that chute will open or not
There's only one way to find out
But it requires trust
Not just of myself
But of countless others who I don't know
And as I'm rambling
I've realized I'm going on a tangent
Earlier I had written
That it's a choice
Between wanting to live
And wanting to stay alive
But I've scratched that bit off
Because the more I think of it
It really isn't that
Living or staying alive
It's not so black and white
This isn't a about a trip
Nor a single life-altering event
Nor the boasting rights of having traveled
Nor the thrill of experiencing the unknown
It's about every single moment
Of stifled choices
And raging fear
That has enveloped me
Since the day I was born
The desire to not lose my options
By virtue of a few different organs
The desire to be able to take a local bus
Late at night
Alone
Or to walk the streets of the neighbourhood
Without heartbeats raising
With every passing gaze
It's not about figuring out what I want
And sticking to that choice
Though I agree
That that's important too
But it's more than that
It's about wanting a certain kind of world
And trying to help create it
One where the things I do or don't do
Are based on my interests
And not on my fear
A world where I have that option
The one that Frost spoke of
All those many years ago
Of choosing the path less travelled
Or perhaps one that doesn't even exist
Or even the one everyone goes by
Because it seems the most interesting
Of walking along the next set of train tracks that I see
Simply because
I can.

Trust

I dream of a world

Where I could walk down the road

Any road

At any time

And feel no fear

Meet the eyes of others

Randomly passing by

A smile on our lips

And trust in our eyes

I dream of a world

Where I didn’t hesitate

To help those who ask for it

Where I could roll down the window

Stop my car

Offer some money

Give a ride to a stranger

And not wonder

The entire time

Whether I’m the one

Being taken for a ride.

I dream of a world

Where I can travel by bus

The only woman on it

The only man on it

And not fear

Fear for my safety

Fear for my life

A world where every other person

Is just another passenger.

I dream of a world

Where strangers aren’t feared

Where people aren’t doubted

Where gazes aren’t avoided

A world where trust isn’t naivety

Or something to strive towards

But rather

A world

Where trust is.

Just is.

******** 

I've shared this quote before, but it's something that keeps coming back to me again and again.

"...teach them not to fear. Fear is good in small amounts, but when it is a constant, pounding companion, it cuts away at who you are and makes it hard to do what you know is right." 

- Inheritance, by Christopher Paolini

Musings from Ladakh

Something that crossed my head as I gazed at the mountains in Ladakh...

Meandering through the roads

My eyes are drawn to you

Rising high

On each side

Standing stiff

Yet flowing

With an inexplicable ease

Towering

And soothing

So different from the others

Not a patch of green

Your head held high

Bare

Gorgeous

Gigantic

Unending

And…

Majestic

So majestic

It’s not a word I’ve ever used before

Nor felt any inclination to

But there’s no other way to describe you

As I crane my neck high

Feeling humbled in your presence

And I can’t help but wonder

Who was it

Who first looked upon you

And thought

I own you

You belong to me now

What was going through his head

As he chose to add you to his list of possessions

The clothes

The car

The dog

The child

And now you

What was it

That made him lay claim

To a peak he could hardy reach

To a range he could barely see

And what were they thinking

They who came after him

They who inherited you

They who called you theirs

They who went to all lengths to keep you as theirs

Believing

Strongly

Like their ancestors before

That they own you

That you can be owned

And you stood there

As generations passed

As wars passed

As claims passed

You stood there

Majestic, as always

Not in your pride

Not in your power

But in the simple belief

That you just don’t care.

The Clouded Mirror

There’s this object I own

An artefact, of sorts

Rather plain to look at

But the envy of lots

Don’t be fooled by its name

It’s not just a mirror, you see

Because it only shows

The very best version of me

The kind I want to be

The kind I want to look

The kind for which in my dreams

I am often, mistook.

And it’s not just me

My friends feel it too

One feels fairer, another, thinner

And one swears her breasts even grew.

And we stare at it for hours

Lost in a state of bliss

Because without that image

Everything feels amiss

Try and make us step aside

And you’ll see a state of despair

Because how we dream to look

Is all that of which we’re aware

We were told, after all

Since our very first birthday

That we want to look beautiful

And beauty only looks a certain way

So why would we bother

To even try to look otherwise

To be happy with ourselves

And treasure our bodies – what a vice!

To actually listen to that murmur

That’s coming from deep inside

Urging us to step away

And actually open our eyes wide

And see that what’s in the mirror

Is actually just a trick of a cloud

Blurring the image that is real

Of the one we should’ve been proud

But our response is outrage

Calling out the murmur on its lies

And we continue to gaze happily

While we drown it out with our cries

Because there’s a small secret, you see

That I haven’t shared with you as yet

We actually know all about the cloud

It’s kind of like our safety net

We put it there ourselves

To bring our ideals nearer

So we wouldn’t have to cringe each time

We decided to look at the mirror

Because each time we step away

Is a reminder of who we are

That we’re not good enough this way

That the journey ahead is far

And so we keep going back

To gaze and gaze all day

Because in that clouded image

We feel like we’re okay

Because the mirror doesn’t just show

The very best version of me

But the version the world’s convinced me

That shows how I ought to be.

I entered a writing challenge this week, wherein I was given a word that I had to weave into my writing. But the thing is, I knew what I wanted to write about long before I saw the word, because it’s something that’s been nagging me for a few weeks [*cough* years *cough*] now.

Acne.

Yea, I know. In an age where we’re faced with countless global problems encompassing humanity and our planet, the thing that’s been bugging me lately is the little pimple on my face. Okay, fine, it’s not really little. And neither is it singular. More like a break out. The kind that’s in [on?] your face. And a little hard to ignore. Because of the incessant pain. And also because it…you know…doesn’t look so nice.

So, for a little context – I’ve had acne problems well since my teenage years. It’s the kind of phase you realize isn’t actually a phase in your case – more like, a perpetual state of being. A partner in crime, if you like. A shadow. An incessant pest. The kind of friend you just can’t get away from. Okay, you get the picture.

And an occasional hazard of having such visible pimples on your face is that it comes up a lot in random conversations:

Me: Hi! How have you been? It’s been so long!

Other: Oh you poor thing. What happened to you?

Or

Me: Alright, let’s order some food?

Other: You’re getting a lot of pimples, you know?

While a lot of people limit themselves to random exclamations of pity combined with a look of being in pain themselves, some others feel that it’s their duty to give you advice on how to deal with acne: like that kind gentleman in Bhopal who stopped his scooter to ask me for directions, before sprouting advice on how to deal with the scarring; or the taxi driver in Mumbai who made me take off my ear phones so I could hear his remedy; or the fellow customer of a grocery store waiting at the counter line who thought it would be a nice way of passing time to hand out advice to strangers.

Hey, I’m not complaining. I live for this stuff – it keeps me laughing for hours afterwards. 

But see, the thing that a lot of people don’t realize is – telling someone a remedy for getting rid of the acne is also, in a way, telling them that they should strive for skin that is acne-free.

No, wait! Before you go all ‘duhh!’ on me, think about it. Yes, people should try to have clean skin, but most people who are prone to acne actually wash their faces far more often than others to strive for that cleanliness, which kind of takes away from the whole 'healthy skin' line of argument. So when you tell someone they should try everything possible to get rid of their acne, you’re really telling them – you’re not good enough the way you are.

Have you tried this product? It works really well. You’re not good enough the way you are. You’re going for a wedding? Make sure you put on some foundation and concealer. You’re not good enough the way you are. Hey did I tell you about this friend who managed to get rid of all their marks in just a few months? You’re not good enough the way you are.

And somewhere down the line, the person starts believing you. They stop looking at mirrors. They avoid posing for photographs. They’re afraid of drawing any kind of attention to themselves, because they think that the first thing others would notice about them is how hideous they look. Eventually, they’re even hesitant to be seen.

Basically, you can be sure that their self-confidence takes a major hit.

All because of bloody pimples.

Sounds a little ridiculous.

But it hit me these last few weeks, when I had the worst break out of acne I’ve ever had, and I reached a point where I cringed if I saw a picture of myself, and even considered backing out of a sports tournament because I didn’t want people seeing me. That was next level. That, and a question my friend posed to me: “Well, as long as the pain goes down, that’s all that matters, right?” And I couldn’t respond – couldn’t say out loud that while it should stop mattering beyond that, the fact is, it doesn’t.

And that’s kind of when I realized how messed up it is to live like this.

Granted, sometimes I myself go around asking people for advice, or seeking sympathy for my condition, but unfortunately, I'm a product of this bloody world too. But these last few weeks have convinced me that at least now I know that this isn't what I need in my life. I need to not care about the marks. I need to be okay with how I look. I need to stop striving for an ideal of how I’m supposed to be. I need to just start being happy with who I am.

Okay, that one really does sound ridiculous. It’s ridiculous that being happy with yourself should be anything but a perpetual state of being.

But I’ve been having a lot of conversations with friends lately about physical looks, and whether it’s possible for us to not care about them. Fact is, I don’t think I’ve ever come across someone who isn’t conscious about some aspect of their body, or else doesn’t care at all about how others look. But I’ve met enough people to inspire the hope that it’s possible to get closer to that ideal. And that’s a place I know I want to strive towards – the place where I’m beyond caring about how I look, or how others look at me; the place where my confidence isn’t controlled by every little dot on my face, or flab on my thighs, or the tan on my skin.

Basically, the place where I don’t care.