The Moment

There’s a moment
That I encounter again and again
Often when I step out of the house
As the signal turns red
And I slow down the car to a halt
I see a person approaching
Sometimes old
Sometimes young
Male
Female
Androgynous
Able
Disabled
Making their way
Down the line of cars
Taking a path
That I know will lead them to me
And I sit there
Silently
Hoping for the light to turn green
To avoid the moment that I know is coming
When they finally reach my car
And ask for some money
Trying to get my attention
As I shake my head
While resolutely trying to stare ahead
Not fully sure myself
Of the reason to say no
Because the reason I tell myself
Of my wallet being in the backseat
Of the signal about to turn green
Of the lack of change I’m carrying
Are all flimsy excuses
Covering for the voices
That told me often
Not to give money to beggars
Unless they really need it
But the thing is
That they never really told me
How to figure out
Who really needs it
Do I merely judge them by age
Or the existence of a visible disability
What do I do
When I look into their eyes
And see that deep pain
Deeper than I can fathom
A pain
Beyond age
Beyond gender
Beyond ability
A pain reflecting exhaustion
Hunger
Anger
Misery
And how do I ignore
That twist in my stomach
As it clenches tightly
Screaming at me
To take out the money
That won’t make a difference to me
And to give it out
To the one that really needs it
Regardless of what they do with it
A voice deep inside
Telling me
To be better
To do better
To be the person
I claim I want to be
And yet
I sit there
Hoping
Praying
For them to move on
To the next car
Away from me
So I can sigh in relief
And dwell in that miserable success
Of knowing
That today
Once again
I could have been a better person
And yet
I chose not to.