Travel

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Coming out of the Closet

I’ve heard the phrase “coming out of the closet” enough times with reference to people who are gay or lesbian. But I never thought it could be applied to others as well. I recently saw a TED talk by Ash Beckham, and it made me realize something.


We all have closets
We all have secrets
That we want to share
But are afraid to

Our fears
Our hopes
Our lives

But for some reason or the other
We don’t
We prefer to hide
Not because it’s better
But because it’s safer

But safer isn’t better
Nor is it always easier
Because in the long run
We want to be heard
We want to be seen
To be ourselves
To not pretend
To not apologize
To just be

We can spend
Our entire lives
Behind those doors
Peeping through a keyhole
Hiding
Pretending
Alone
Stifled

When what we really want
Is to breathe
Freely
To walk
Confidently
To live
The way we are

But I get it
Those doors are too heavy
It’s not easy
To push them from inside

So let me help you
Let me pull
From the other end
While you push
From inside

Whenever you’re ready
If you’re ready
Let’s do it now
On the count of three

Just this once
Open that door
Step out of the darkness
Show me who you really are
The face behind the mask
The hope behind the eyes
The person behind the closet

And just this once
Don’t care about the voices
Don’t care how they react
It doesn’t matter
Whether you’re met
By condescension or praise
By another mask or face

What matters
Is that you’re out
Is that you’re free

Because
As she said
Rightly so

A closet
Is no place for a person
To truly live

Friday, November 8, 2013

Mr. Slow and Steady

*Re-posted from an earlier blog. Written on 8 November 2012.


Meet Sujal Pawar (I specify Pawar because I have 3 Sujal's in my class!): he's the quiet one, the one who keeps to himself, never gets into trouble, doesn't bother anyone, and minds his own business. He's also the shortest kid in class. But, like my earlier Pawar, he manages to stand out.

Here are a few reasons why:

This picture is over a year old - but he still looks the same!


- During winters (which in Mumbai are quire nice!), he used to walk into class wearing a blue jacket with the hood pulled over his head. Being as short as he is, he looked just like Jadoo (the fictional cute alien character from the movie "Koi Mil Gaya"). That look automatically tugged on my Bollywood-crazed-heartstrings.

- He has the sweetest smile: it doesn't blind you or dazzle you, but melts your heart in a way that you can't keep your own smile off your face.

- He brings the tastiest food in class, with his rotis all rolled up with vegetables which he then proceeds to feed me (a common routine for all my students).

- For a class project on the Winter Season, he was given the role of Santa Claus - sorry, I mean "Small Santa Claus" - which he pulled off amazingly well, adding his own dance routine to the Jingle Bells song. Plus he looked adorable in a white beard!

- His one drawback is that he is painfully slow with writing - he zones out every few seconds and has to be reminded to continue with his work, resulting in him being the last one to usually complete his work. One day, while waiting for him to finish, I told him that I would start calling him a tortoise because he was so slow. He thought for a second and replied: "Then I'll be steady!"

How can you not love this kiddo???

The Hole in the Wall

* Re-posted from an old blog. Written on 27 August 2012.


Tushar excitedly led me through the lanes in the direction of his house. By the time we reached there, I had no sense of direction left.


After walking for twenty minutes in the rain with an umbrella that barely protected the two of us and both our bags, we reached the maze. I call it that because there is no other way to describe it. Scores of homes scattered around, with dozens of lanes running crisscross in every direction. Like a city made for dwarfs. Except it’s not dwarfs that live there.

The lanes were barely wide enough to fit two children, and flanked by houses on both sides. I passed by naked children running along the lanes, sidestepped women washing clothes and dishes in front of their homes, tried to avoid stepping into the overflowing foot-wide gutters, attempted to peek into the barely 8-square-feet houses without being obvious, and ignored the blatant stares of the residents, all the while trying to keep up with the child running freely ahead of me, tracing the way to his home as he has done every single day for several years.

Every 2 minutes we would switch our roles and I would ask the 7-year-old kid leading the way: “Are we there yet?”
And every time I would get the response: “A little ahead.”

After 10 minutes of huffing up stairs, squeezing through the maze, and praying I had lost enough kilos so as not to get stuck between the walls, I finally heard the beautiful words: “We’re here.”

I looked around, trying to figure out where here was. We were out of the maze, in a small courtyard that offered a little more breathing space than its precursor. But I saw no house. I looked in the direction that he was pointing, and all clichés aside, felt my mouth drop open for a few seconds.

Now, I have been to many of my students’ houses. I have been to their chawls, their 8-square-feet houses placed lower than the surrounding ground or above local shops, and their vertical staircases that are impossible to descend from. I thought I had seen them all.

Clearly I was wrong, I thought, as I gazed up the rickety ladder that he was pointing towards.

It was a hole in the wall.

If you’re picturing a rat hole, think a little bigger; but if you’re picturing a cave, think a little smaller: it was a hole just enough for a crouching adult to squeeze through. To enter, you have to push aside the box masquerading as a door. The door to a home: his home, where his mother greeted him warmly as he scurried up the slippery ladder with little effort.

From his doorway, he waved down to me cheerfully, and noticing the lost expression on my face, came back down. He knew I was lost. So he proceeded to lead me out of the maze, consequently nulling the point of me dropping him home. I followed him silently, wondering what on earth would motivate this child to come to school and attempt addition and subtraction and break his mind on a language that makes less sense with each passing day.

*****

Sometimes it scares me, the amount of trust people place on this system known as education. Every morning on the way to the school, I see parents living under a flyover get their children into their school uniforms, walk long distances back and forth to their school, and work endless hours to ensure that their children’s tuition fees can be paid: all this, so that their children can receive an education; so that their children have a chance at a better future than their parents.

It’s scary because I don’t think our education system is quite there yet.

There was a time when the government had to work hard to convince everyone to send their children to school, to convince them of the importance of education.

They’re convinced now. They are doing their bit to get their children to school. If not all, a lot of them are.

The question is, can our system match up to their level of trust and conviction? 

The Impact Model

Re-posted from an earlier blog. Written on 24 August 2012

Do you need to know you’re making a difference in order to make one?


We all want to make a difference in this world. At least, I hope some do.
Do our part.
Help others.
Give back.
Volunteer.
Charity.
Philanthropy.
Kindness.
In kind.
Something to make you feel better.

It makes you feel better about yourself, no doubt about that. But how do you really know whether you’re actually making a difference?

How do you know if that packet of biscuit you offered the beggar filled his hungry stomach?
How do you know if the lives of those children you volunteered with over the summer are better now?
How do you know if the money you donated helped improve the lives of the earthquake victims?

How do I know if these two years in Teach for India will make even a dent in the lives of my children?

Do you need to know you’re making a difference in order to make one?

At the basic level, I suppose not. You can still continue making a difference. By the end of my first year as a teacher, I couldn’t honestly say that I saw a lot of growth in my students.

Maybe it was difficult to act as a fly on the wall observer.
Maybe it was my lack in self-confidence.
Maybe it was true.

Either way, I didn’t feel like I was making a difference – at least, not at the magnitude that I was aiming for. Still, I pushed forward, mixing blind faith with determination and hope. There were enough moments of frustration.
Of depression.
Of doubt.

Still, I pushed forward, repeating the mantra in my head, “I’m making a difference, I’m making a difference” in an attempt to convince myself.

I was waiting expectantly, anxiously, for a sign: something to prove the above. I’m a person of logic – I need proof. Without that, it’s all just hypothetical.
Theoretical.
In my head.

I needed something.
Something to keep me going.
Something to show me that yes, my time and effort here were meaningful.

Like Maslow’s 2nd level of esteem in his hierarchy of needs, I needed something more.

And now, a few months into my second year of teaching the same group of students, I’m starting to see it.
Their growing academics.
Their increasing confidence.
Their shortening pants.

And those occasional light bulbs turning on, which motivate me to push them harder.

Because the truth is, if I saw no progress in them (as is still the case with some students), I would continue to push them hard. But at some point, I fear I might give up.
On hope.
On belief.
On them.
On myself.

And when and if that happens, the possibility of making a difference will become moot.

*****

It’s not necessary to know you’re making a difference in order to make one.


But it’s definitely helpful.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

A Case of Split Identities

You know you have issues when you relate more with He-who-must-not-be-named, Greek and Roman gods, and Frodo Baggins than with the people around you.

You also know you have issues when you get more excited by Nanook of the North than any other blockbuster running around you.





It’s funny. Throughout my time in Canada, I was always on the lookout of anything that reminded me of India. Of back home. In class, often being the only brown kid in tutorials, I was inadvertently made the expert on South Asia (because, clearly, I represent all the God-knows-how-many-billion people living here). But I think I rather enjoyed that; it felt like a validation of where I was from.

Today, sitting in Bangalore, I was supposed to be reading for sociology. I was browsing through the readings, looking for the one with the least number of pages to begin with, when the words “Nanook of the North” shot out at me. The next thing I knew, I was on page 5. But seriously, Nanook of the North?! (This is a short film – possibly the first one – made on an Innuit group in northern Canada – a movie I was shown during my first year in Canada) – a movie that I can barely recall. But despite my fuzzy memory, there was something so familiar about that phrase that I couldn’t stop myself from reading further – it was as though this one article was able to connect me back to my memories of Canada.

I don’t get it. When people say I randomly switch to a Canadian accent, I usually make a face, but inwardly I feel really pleased. And when I was in Canada, I would love talking about India and what it was like ‘back home’. I didn’t want to get a Canadian citizenship and give up my official status as Indian, but now I can’t stop saying “But in Canada we did…” Never realized I like Canada so much (although, to be fair, I never realized I liked India so much either until I went to Canada).

Confused much? I think so too.

Basically, when I lived in Canada, I loved being identified with India. And now, when I live in India, I love being identified with Canada.

Sometimes, I seriously feel like Voldemort, with my soul split into multiple pieces (I mean, we can’t leave out Kuwait and the multiple cities in India, right?). I’ve left a horcrux at each location.

At other times, I feel like those Greek and Roman gods, caught between two different identities, unable to decide between them (Percy Jackson fans will get this).

Or, for you Lord of the Rings fans, it’s like being Frodo – you can’t really go there and back again, because you’ve changed so much on the journey (Yes, I’m relating Canada to Mordor. No, it wasn’t a bad experience).

I feel more connected with characters from fantasy novels and movies than the people around me.

I think I have issues.