Nightmare

I woke up this morning
Shaking
Heart beating like crazy
The vision playing over and over in my head
Of an almost rape
An almost gangrape
Mine
Almost, only because I opened my eyes
I could picture the room
The numerous faces surrounding me
Closing in
Most unknown, but not all
A sense of righteousness in their faces
Like this just had to be done
Like it was payback
And that I should accept it
And the thing I remember the most
Is the fear
Pulsating through my every breath
Through every heart beat
Fear of a magnitude I've never felt before
Fear of what was to come
What would have come
Had my eyes not opened

And as I lay there
Trying to slow down my breath
I tried to remind myself
That this was a dream
A nightmare, really
That it wasn't real
But that fear was so palpable
And it made me feel
For those few moments
A minuscule of what so many women go through
And just that thought alone
Was humbling
And terrifying

But the thought that lingered
Long after the breathing slowed down
Was the familiarity of it
That fear
I'd felt it before
Never at this degree
But felt it, nevertheless
Every time I stepped onto a dark street
Or an empty bus
Or a cab at night
Every time a car slowed down next to me
Every time a stare lingered longer than it should have
Every time I've stepped out alone
Every time I've felt an unwanted touch

A gripping, relentless fear
Always there
Crawling under your skin
Reducing you
To a part of you
A limited you
A fear so familiar
That it feels normal now

And I don't know what was more terrifying
The magnitude of the fear I felt
Knowing, that it was nothing compared to the real deal
Or the familiarity of it
Knowing that this is something that's now just a part of us.