In one of my
old posts, I had once written that there’s something about sunsets, new years
and birthdays that makes one quite reflective.
Well, I guess
this is as good a time as any.
30 years.
That’s how long it’s been. It feels surreal, just saying that out loud. Just
like that, 30 years have gone. Okay, to be fair, it wasn’t ‘just like that’. They
took their time, but that’s hardly a thought to complain about.
Looking back
at these 30 years, there’s a big mix of emotions. There’s joy, sadness,
regrets, satisfaction, and a whole lot else. But if I allow myself one anomaly
in my usual range, it’s pride. Pride at the journey, pride at the person I’m
becoming, pride at the person I continue to become.
To be
honest, when I look back at the kind of person I was as a kid, I don’t feel as
much pride. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a bad kid. I was (and still am) a
fairly nice person. But I was also a fairly scared kid. Scared to do new
things; to voice out my thoughts; to be different; to be myself. And the last
30 years really seem to be about the journey from being that scared kid to
becoming a – well, a less scared adult. At least, an adult that’s lit more
confident about the person I’ve become.
It almost sounds
strange to say that one has to work at becoming themselves. But it really has
seemed like it’s been a journey of understanding myself – understanding my
likes and dislikes, and then working up the courage to actually put them
forward. As a kid, I spent so much time trying to understand some of the rules
of this world and society and to try (occasionally) to fit into them, that I
didn’t really understand that there was an alternative.
Maybe that’s
how it works. You get so busy trying everything, doing everything that everyone
around you is doing, trying to be the person that everyone around you seems to
be, or expects you to be, that you don’t really get to pause and think about
what it is that you want. Maybe that’s a phase everyone has to go through to get
through to the other side. Right now, I just feel like I’m looking at it from
the other side, and all I can say is that I’m really glad to be on this side.
Of course, life isn't 'sorted', but it's definitely clearer. I feel like I know myself so much better now than I did a few years ago. I feel so
much clearer about the kind of person I am, the things I like, or don’t like,
or the kind of person I want to continue to work towards becoming. I know that
there are things I care about, like human rights and equality and choices and
feminism and education and kindness and genuineness. I also know that there are
things I don’t care about, or would like to not care about – like the kinds of
clothes I’m expected to wear or how I’m expected to look or sit or walk. I’ve done
the party scenes, and over time realized that at the end of the day, home and deep
conversations are my comfort spaces (though can still go berserk when the song 'Taare Gin Gin' plays). And more than anything else, I’ve started
to enjoy spending time with myself. There was a time when I hated being alone;
but now I really look forward to some alone time. In the words of the new
generation, I’ve gone from having a case of FoMo (Fear of Missing out) to JoMo
(Joy of Missing out).
Someone once
told me that after 30 is when life gets really good – you’ve passed the crazy
kid phase, the angst teenage phase and the trying to check off big things in
your 20s phase (I guess this is the point at which all you 30+ people smirk and
say, ‘That’s what you think’). It’s not to say that life’s suddenly going to be
smooth sailing, but if I get to look back at this journey several years from
now and still feel a sense of pride, then that’s definitely something to look
forward to.
So, I know
turning 30 is supposed to be this massively scary thing (especially if you
haven’t checked off all the so-called boxes of the 20s that serve as constant
reminders on your Facebook and family newsfeed), but I’m kind of excited:
excited by the idea of hopefully bringing in the big day with a kind of routine
day, and ending it in the nearest pub, dressed in my favourite T-shirt and
comfiest pyjamas, sitting cross-legged on the chair as I sip my drink with the
family, comforted in the knowledge that I’ll be passed out at my regular hour.
Happy 30th :)
(Posting this a day early because if anyone knows anything at all about me, it's that midnight is not a time I'm awake at!)
